Comic Book Ads #3: The Chips Ahoy Flip Book

Did anyone actually cut this out as a kid? I sure hope not, 'cause there'd be a ton of worthless '80s comics. Oh wait, there already are a ton of worthless '80s comics. When I wanted to make a flip book, I cut up my own paper and drew each frame of a guy setting himself on fire by hand. Thanks for your cocky attitude, Chips Ahoy, but my animation skills are just fine. I have to admit I totally cheated on this one and just ran my eyes from left to right about 2 inches away from the page really, really, really fast. It's pretty much the same thing. And who wants to see an animation of a cookie getting its fudge stripes, anyway?

The Trapster

Ok, so, The Trapster. Wow is he super lame. Super Powers: none. Special Abilities: none. Basically, his whole thing is that he developed some kind of super powerful glue and then he developed a glue gun to use it. Then he decided to use this amazing technology for evil. You read all of that correctly, I'm not making any of it up; the only thing he's got going for himself is a glue gun. That's how he fights Superheroes, with some glue. So it shouldn't come as a suprise that he gets his ass kicked on a regular basis. I mean, basically, you could just walk down to the nearest Home Depot and become The Trapster if you really wanted to. It's really that easy. The hard part would be going up against Cap or Iron Man or Thor or Spidey when you're just packing glue. After you start losing to guys like Antman or Nomad, it's probably time to rethink your career choice.

So a little back story on the old Trapster, and again I am totally not making this up, but his original evil-doer name was Paste-Pot-Pete. Yep, that's right, his original name was Paste-Pot-Pete. Wow. I guess that's how they did things back in the '60s. Apparently, Spider-Man doubled over in laughter one time way back in the day and that hurt really hurt poor Pete's feelings. Then he joined the Frightful Four and they said his name wasn't wasn't Frightful enough, so they made him change his name and his costume. Apparently, no one was interested in buying what Paste-Pot-Pete was selling. After this amazing transformation (well, at least the name and costume) he was somehow able to secure a victory over Daredevil. However, he does hold the embarrassing distinction of being the first villain to be defeated by an empty building when he tried to enter the old Baxter Building and couldn't get past the security systems. Totally awesome.

If you'd like to build your own Trapster Paste Gun, I scanned in the technical drawings from the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Deluxe Edition. Here's his paste gun and his paste shooters. Knock yourself out. It'll make a great Halloween costume.

Anywho, I think the last time the Trapster was seen in Marvel 616 continuity was in Silver Sable #26. Rumors abound that he was a villian in the 1602 universe, but that he had more of a hunter/trapper shtick, which might have been kind of interesting, only if he hadn't stolen the idea from another, more established, supervillian (Kraven, anyone?).

So to wrap this thing up, we salute you, Trapster, for your amazing ability to snatch defeat from the claws of victory. Keep up the good mediocre work.

Star Wars Video Games

I totally blew my chance, but I could have finally pitched my Star Wars video game idea to LucasArts at CIV. Damn. Hopefully someone will do a Google search of "Star Wars video game ideas," land on this page and then forward it on to the appropriate people.

Here's my idea: make a badass 1-on-1 fighting game but throw out all rules of continuity. My only problem with Star Wars games is they force them into Star Wars continuity. In The Clone Wars video game, you're racing along as Mace Windu in your Republic Tank towards the Geonosian Arena, and you have a huge ass tank battle with Count Dooku's Dark Acolytes. So that's what happened right before he got to the Arena and snuck up on Count Dooku and Jango Fett in Episode II, in case you were curious. I guess it's cool that it fits into the continuity, but sometimes it feels...so forced.

So, make a fighting game and throw continuity out the window. I want a 1-on-1 match where Count Dooku fights a Rancor monster. I want to see Mace Windu duke it out with Jedi Leia, and Jango Fett take out Bossk. Tell me this game wouldn't blow up the game charts. Someone get LucasArts on the horn, pull some people off of the next crappy Star Wars cellphone game and get them working on this.

Thundarr the Barbarian, 1980.

Chris has been working on a post, but I have no idea when he's going to publish it, so I'm going to go ahead and post something. We really should probably work out a posting schedule, but whatever. So lately I've been Tivo'ing Thundarr on the Boom Network. It was a cartoon that ran in the early eighties and I have very fond memories of watching it on Saturday mornings. It was a futuristic, post-apocalyptic cartoon featuring the exploits of Thundarr, his faithful sidekick Ookla the Mok, and the sorceress, Princess Ariel. They battle Wizards (Thundarr hates Wizards) and other injustices in world. I thought (and still think) that this cartoon was way ahead of it's time and also was a pretty heavy topic for kids to digest at nine o'clock in the morning. But I loved this show and I think this is where I got my love of post-apocalyptic storylines. Anyways, here's the intro to the show, which I think is arguably the greatest intro to any cartoon ever made:



How awesome was that? The answer is; pretty awesome. Ah, 1994, what a terrible year. First Cobain killed himself, then a runaway planet passed inbetween the middle of the Earth and the Moon and destroyed the Earth's ecosystem. Wait a minute, I don't remember that happening, what the hell? Personally, I love when they set some futuristic event like ten to twenty years in the future. Like in Terminator 2, when the Russians counterattacked us in 1997 and created a nuclear holocaust. Mmmmmm, yeah, that didn't happen either. And according to Back To The Future II, we're less than seven years away from finally having flying cars (I've been waiting for this to happen since I first saw the Jetsons) and Hoverboards. I can't wait for that to happen. It's gonna be rad.

Anyways, I saw one last night and it was called the "Attack of the Amazon Women" and it was great. This one does kind of highlight Thundarr's Barbarian side though, and it's not pretty. For example, you'll see Thundarr kind of turn into a misogynistic asshole at about the 2:20 mark of this clip (you can skip the intro if you watched it in the clip above):



"Lords of Light! A woman! You took Thundarr by surprise, woman, it won't happen again! You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science." Ok, maybe he didn't quote Anchorman, but you get the idea, Thundarr doesn't really see women as being his equal. I don't really understand why he had this reaction because he travels with a woman all the time and she holds her own. I think HR needs to send Thundarr to some sensitivity training real soon because it's only a matter of time before he gets the entire company in trouble over something he said during a conference call or while he's at a client in a sales meeting. Not cool, Thundarr, definitely not cool.

So if you watch the entire clip, you'll come across the funniest thing about the whole episode, which is the physics that are displayed when they fight underwater. It's basically just like they're on land, only they have to swim, but there's really no resistance from the water. At all. Anything they can do on land, they can do underwater, no sweat. Later in the episode Ookla throws a piece of a coral reef like he normally would and takes out like five Amazons. Thundarr swims down an Amazon riding a shark. Seriously, I'm not joking, he chases down a shark and hits an Amazon on the head and she falls off the shark. Totally awesome. And his Sun Sword works underwater, no problem. You'd think he'd electrocute the crap out of himself because, you know, electricity and water don't really mix, but somehow, someway, it works. Hey, it's a kids cartoon, what more do you want here?

Obviously parts of the show were blatently ripped off from Star Wars (Ookla is based on Chewbacca, the Sun Sword is a Lightsaber), but one of the main reasons I decided to write about Thundarr (other than the fact that it was just totally rad cartoon) is because The King was involved in the production. I caught one episode last week (I think it was called "City of Evil") and there was a city and some spaceships that looked like it was right out of an Eternals or Inhumans comic. I mean, you know Kirby's work instantly when you see it. He didn't have total creative control over this series, but you can definitely see his influence and you can really tell when he specifically designed something. Like I said, the man had an instantly recognizable style. I am hoping one day that they will put this masterpiece out on DVD, but for now I guess I'll just have to catch it on the Boom Network. Ariel! Ooka! Ride!

Post #15.

So I was looking at Marvel's Subscription Website the other day and I decided to get a subscription to Moon Knight, Uncanny X-Men, and X-Men. Has anyone had any experience with this? Seems like it's win-win. You don't have to walk down to the Comic Book store and put up with the guy that runs the place and all of the kids that hang out there, and you pay about $1.85 vs. $2.99 at the comic book store. But I'm sure they'll arrive completely crushed or creased or they're printer's errors (PE in the house!). I will give an update when they start arriving. That is all. Resume current activities.

GI Joe Classic #63 - My First Ever Comic

G.I.Joe Classic #63. Ah, here it is. The first comic book I ever owned, straight out of 1987. If I remember correctly, I got it at a hotel gift store while on a family trip. It had Snake Eyes on the cover and I probably bugged my Dad to buy it for me. I never understood why it said "Classic" on it until a few days ago. I guess there were only 5,000 of each of these made and mine has been beat up, folded, creased and sat upon that it wouldn't fetch the $22-$200 range these other ones have.


Anyway - on to the actual issue itself. The cover is misleading - even though Snake Eyes and Scarlet walk through a mine field, they aren't wearing their costumes when it happens. They are, in fact, on vacation with Flint and Lady Jaye so they're in casual resort wear. I'm surprised Snake Eyes doesn't wear his ninja costume all the time, since Cobra shows up at the most inappropriate times in the cartoon.


I re-read this the other night and I can't figure out why this particular issue made me want to collect comics. It was (and still is) the only G.I. Joe comic I read, so the story makes no sense to me. Apparently the Joes have Cobra Commander's son (?) in captivity, and Storm Shadow is out of his badass ninja costume and working with the Joes. The aforementioned Joes are on vacation, and some other Joes are held captive doing grunt work. Roadblock, meanwhile, as back at Joe HQ and working on a touch football game.

At the end, some dipshit shows up at the end and wants a boat ride to Cobra Island. I hope he's planning on blowing some stuff up or taking compromising photos of Tomax and Xamot while he's there.

I was pleased to find this issue contains an appearance from Chuckles. And by pleased, I mean highly annoyed. Chuckles has to be one of the lamest Joes ever, simply because he dresses like a Miami Vice knockoff. If I found my old Chuckles figure tomorrow, I would grind it into pieces and blast it into oblivion. That's how much I hate Chuckles. Plus, his code name is beyond lame. How can anyone take him seriously? "General Hawk, select your team for assassinating Destro." "Yes, sir. I'll take Flint, Recondo, Alpine and leading the team will be Chuckles." Nope, not gonna happen. Screw you, Chuckles. But thank you, G.I. Joe Classic #63 for getting me into comics and thereby taking up 15 years of my life and God knows how much money.
P.S. - Sorry my HTML skillz suck. I'm still learning some of this stuff. (EDITOR'S NOTE: The problems have been fixed. It wasn't that bad.)

What If...Vol.2 #4. 1989.

Ok, this is probably going to be the last Spidey post for awhile. Unless Chris has something else to say about him or the movie. Anyways, I know some people don't like the What If... series (I've heard they recently started a third volume to lukewarm response), but I loved this kind of stuff when I was a kind. Alternate universes, twists on a popular storyline, the What If... series had it goin' on. I collected some issues from the first series if a particular issue interested me, but I was pretty faithful to the second series, despite it's egregious use of the font Serpentine for the masthead. It's #3 on my list of most hated/overused fonts of all time. Anyways, this issue is my favorite one from the second series, with What If #5 coming in at a very close second, and that was mainly because I was a big Vision fan. And the story/cover was great. Anywho, if I remember correctly, this ended up being a popular series and I personally think it kind of sparked the whole reboot/Ultimates madness of the late '90s, because there's only so many earth shattering events the same characters can keep going through.

Anyways, this issue starts out like all others in the What If... series, Uatu provides us a blow-by-blow recap of events, just in case you were sleeping under a rock somewhere (enlarge the pic to the right). So the beginning of this story holds true, Spidey gets whisked away for the Secret Wars fiasco and gets a new suit in the process, which turns out to be the symbiote, Venom. He starts to feel a little run down, so much like the real he decides to swing by the FF's pad and get checked out by Reed Richards. This is where the stories part ways, because in this reality, Reed and the FF are off either saving the world or on a vacation somewhere, so Spidey decides to skip the checkup. A couple of days later, he's still feeling run down, so he decides to stop by Dr. Connors office for a checkup. Prognosis, negative. He tells him to go see Reed ASAP, but when he does, Reed tells him that the suit has bonded to him and it's going to be tough to separate the two. While he's working on something, VenomSpidey breaks out of the cell they put him in and gets loose. Parker tries to assert himself and much like the real storyline, he ends up in a bell tower. But in this timeline Venom's bond is still too strong and that trick doesn't work. Poor Parker. He has to ride shotgun while Venom wrecks his life. Case in point; Venom's a pretty busy guy, but he does find some time to call Felicia at her apartment (where apparently she just hangs out in costume waiting for the right time to steal stuff) and breaks up with her. Over the phone. Yup, Venom's that guy, that's just how he rolls. Felicia does not take it well and starts trashing her apartment:




So Felicia is pissed and since she can't yell at VenomSpidey (apparently he's in the middle of changing cellphone providers and it takes a day or two to transfer the number), but she has to yell at a someone, so she heads over to the FF's HQ and rips Reed a new one, which is pretty tough to do because, you know, he's pretty elastic. So to get back at him, she breaks into a prestigious New York auction house and rips some stuff off and then gives it to the poor. Somehow, this makes her feel better.

Anyways, a couple of days later, the Hulk and Thor are beating the living crap out of each other for some reason, when the the Avengers and Doctor Strange show up to help out. Now, I know what you're thinking here, but even a Doctor Strange appearance can't drag down the awesomeness that happens in this book. While they're fighting, the Dr. creates a crossroads dimension so the Hulk can chill on a timeout and not kill anyone. The Hulk bumrushes him, but he opens the portal to the crossroads dimension right in front of him, so the Hulk will run right into it. BUT, VenomSpidey shows up out of nowhere and pulls Hulk out of the portal and then transfers his bond from Spidey to the Hulk. This ejects Parker from the equation and we find out the reason why Venom debonded from him: he's old. Apparently running around as VenomSpidey takes a lot out of a guy because now Parker is like 185 years old.

So now we've got a VenomHulk. He starts running around totally out of control and no one can really do anything about it. All the big brains can do is sit around and try and develop a tracking system and a sonicblaster to try and knock him out so Doc Strange can put him in the crossroads dimension. Sounds like a plan. Parker helps out, but ends up dying of old age. However, he does manage to head over to his Aunt May's pad and has a very awkward conversation with her, but he's a wimp and instead of telling her the truth, he tells her he was a friend of Peter's from the Bugle. But you can't fool Aunt May. She has a sneaking suspicion that the old dude was Parker and gets a little upset because apparently he's still "missing". MJ tries to calm her down, but even she doesn't know what really happened to Peter, I guess they were "on a break".

Back to the action, the heroes track VenomHulk to Mt. Rushmore and split up to try and find him. Thor ends up spotting him and they continue their scrap from before, but Venom decides to debond from the Hulk and tries to bond to Thor because Thor is a god and is more stable/powerful than the Hulk. Thor resists and summons a lightening bolt to strike himself to try and destroy Venom, but it only succeeds in weakening himself and Venom gets a stronger hold on Thor's body. So now we've got a VenomThor. This is still cool, but it's kind of getting a little out of hand here. Banner is left in his normal human form, and he didn't age at all. Apparently Venom burnt out the Hulk in him.

So now the heroes don't really know what to do here because VenomThor's holed up in a cave still trying to cement the bond with Thor, but he's in control enough to smackdown anyone who comes close enough. So they decide to call in the big guns: Blackbolt. Oh snap, the shit's about to go down right about now. So Black Bolt screams and ends up saving Thor, but he levels Mt. Rushmore in the process:




I'm sure the Inhumans are going to get a giant bill from the U.S. Government for that. Or at least a sanction or an embargo. Dude, that was a national monument you totalled. Anyways, there's still the problem of what to do with the creature. Reed wants to create a special cell for it, probably so he can study it (that's so like what he would do), while Dr. Strange wants to banish it to the Crossroads Dimension, so it won't hurt anyone (and that's so like what he would do). Felicia, however, has other plans. She comes outta nowhere, and quick SHZZAAAK! later, she kills Venom, using a copy of Reed's Sonic Blaster. She was with Parker the night he died so she copied the plans and got the Kingpin to get his scientists to make her a version, in return she just owes the Kingpin her services. For life. Like most What If endings, some people die, everyone learns a lesson and one person ends up getting royally screwed. Only it kinda, sorta, didn't even really happen.