Comic Book Ads #2:Hostess® Ads.

Part Two of an Epic Two Parter! Apparently, in the late '70s/early '80s, all you really needed was some kind of Hostess® brand snacks and you, a mere mortal, could be a superhero. You heard me right, all you needed was a couple of Twinkies, a Fruit Pie, or some Cup Cakes, and you could thwart some evil-doer's dastardly plans for world domination. Case in point, take the ad to the left. The Thing is innocently on his way back from the grocery store, lecturing some kid about the positive aspects of being "streetwise", when some lady yells out that someone has stolen her purse. Seeing a easy way to stop the cutpurse AND demonstrate his point about being "streetwise", the Thing throws some Cup Cakes at the dude to distract him, then he grabs the guy and shakes him upside down (a staple move in any superhero's repertoire) to make sure all of the stolen loot is accounted for. See what I mean? This kind of stuff happens everyday people, you should be prepared. Hopefully this is a wake up call and y'all will start planning ahead. These are life and death situations here.


Another perfect example of what I'm talking about, villians were running so ramant in the late '70s, that Bruce Banner couldn't even go to the freakin' Post Office without having some Cuban Nationals bustin' into the place, guns blazin'. Seriously, this was an epidemic in the fall of 1978, you couldn't go anywhere without some Cuban Nationals waving their submachine guns around and taking hostages. Also, exclamation points! We can't seem get through a single sentence in this ad without one! They should be used all the time! Anyways!, the situation is diffused by, guess what, yes that's right, a quick thinking kid who just happens to have a Fruit Pie in his back pocket. You think I'm making this up? This is real life people! This kind of knowledge will get you out of a bank or post office robbery! Also, sidenote, this was obviously before the term "going postal" became popular, because in hindsight becoming a Postal Employee seems like absolutely the last job you'd want Bruce Banner to take. He'd Hulk out on the first day. I'm just sayin'.


This one to the left is probably my favorite of all-time, and I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I probably could have made the "Computer Man" costume out of some old boxes and some green paint.

After that ad, they kind of started to get out of control. If you've got some more time to waste, here's one about the Fantastic Four on a river rafting vacation and here's another one involving Iron Man, some metal rhinos, and a couple of Twinkies. I have no idea why the FF would go on a lame river rafting trip when they travel to another freakin' Univervise. Seriously, if you could go check out an entirey different planet, would you do that, or go river rafting? If you say river rafting you are a moron. Also, mechanical Rhinos on the loose seems like a weak premise, but you get the basic idea, no situation can't be overcome when you've got the power of Hostess® on your side.

So, I guess the lesson for today is this: next time you're at a 7-11 or Quick-Stop and the joint gets robbed, you'll know what to do. Just throw some Hostess® Cup Cakes at them and while they're eating, call the cops. You'll be a hero, guaranteed. Just don't blow your reward money on hiring Van Halen to play at your birthday party. Even if it's the 1982 version of Van Halen. It's still a waste of money, Spicoli.